After today it will be three years of life as a….and I don’t like to say it….as a widower. The word is sad and foreboding. Am I becoming accustomed to this life without her? I suppose to some extent, I am. What is my other option?
Tonight is the anniversary of the night she left to spent the rest of eternity with God. It is a new life for her, one that is quite beyond my comprehension but I know it has to be wonderful. Now that some time has passed since that awful time I’m learning to look at my situation in a different light and perspective.
Neither of us chose this new journey that we’ve embarked upon. Hers of course, is the one we will all eventually take. I’ve written enough about being sad and missing her. It’s time to stop writing that way. I’m pretty sure I’ve said all there is to say about that.
Life really is different and trying to embrace the positives without feeling guilty and as though I’m betraying her by being happy is a difficult thing. The alternative would be to stay miserable and sad and to wear it on my sleeve for all to see. It’s a way of proclaiming, look at me, I’m still grieving! But I’ve found that I don’t enjoy being around that person and I’m guessing that no one else does either.
If I’m being transparent, which I usually am, I always have the concern that I’ve become content without her. That somehow I’m glad for it. That I prefer it. It’s an uncomfortable though that I expect is not uncommon in my situation. Do I like being alone? I like it as much as I did before I was ever married. I had no problem being single. I don’t have any problem with it now except that I expected to live out the rest of my life with her at my side.
It is as though I am two people. One is just a middle-aged single man, with grown up kids and grand-kids who has many years (I hope) ahead to enjoy life. The other is the man who lost his wife and doesn’t know how to let that go. I walk with one foot in each life, switching back and forth between them.
Learning who I am now, at this new time in life is a challenge. I don’t require sympathy or condolence, maybe just understanding.
I’ve made changes. I have ideas about what I’d like my future to be. Nothing concrete, but some hopes. It really is a process. I guess all we can do is take life day by day. Since it really isn’t the end, it might be the beginning.